I Fell in Love With A Nameless Man Online
There’s a line when social media becomes more than just a form of communication with people you have in real life. Clicking likes, trends, following accounts you share views with suddenly becomes knowing an entire person behind the account for years without actually knowing who the person is.
January/February 2020 was a very dark couple of months for me. I sat alone in the wallows of my head, drowning behind memes and alcohol. Pretending life was ok, going through the motions of career and motherhood without feeling whole. I worried about everyone else’s happiness but not mine.
A friend of mine I had known for a couple years (online), I tried to evolve into something more as we shared common views, but it was worthless. No sparks and to be honest, he annoyed the living shit out of me when the online world crossed into the real world. I ended up not even hugging him as I dropped him off at the airport in a snowstorm- flights were cancelled, but I didn’t care. He could sit there.
While that may seem cold (pun totally intended), I didn’t want him to perceive there was anything more. Give hope to the hopeless. And there was no way I could mentally deal with him staying another day.
And then there was him. An account I always joked with laughed with, and pulled the light out of me. I felt a spark every single time there was a ping. I don’t know what it was, like a prey to a predator I was hooked.
Days turned into weeks, which turned into months. Phone calls, zoom calls, falling asleep with him up on my computer screen. I remember wishing there was just anyway I could touch his skin through the screen. Feel his warmth. I shared more of myself than I have had ever shared with anyone in the history of my existence. He made me want to do better. He made me always want to do right by him. He made me believe in happiness again.
I sound insane. I know. And to top it off- we live 3,500 miles away from each other. Judge me, it’s fine. I judge myself. But in all honesty, I have never felt closer to a person in all my life. If soul mates existed, he was it.
Notice the past tense. I’m still struggling to accept that we are no more. Our plans for the future, our laughter, our smiles, our virtual date nights, forever gone. I would have packed up and moved across the world for this man.
But is it? Is it so crazy to think if you had to force-ably (lock down) take out every physical/sexual aspect of a relationship and get to know someone through talking, countless hours of talking (and fighting), that you might actually know them better than you do the person sitting next to you?
We could tell you every detail of each other’s personality, what makes us tick, our favorite colors, foods, what we would find funny, what our biggest fears are, what our darkest worries are, what are hopes and dreams are, what pain we have endured, what we do for work, what we are passionate about, and what makes us smile.
I miss him. I miss the laughing to the fighting (yes all couples can fight over stupid stuff even 6 months in and 3500 miles apart).
But it’s over now. Before it even began. And I don’t even know his name.