Maybe He’ll Change

I lay sprawled on the kitchen floor with no more tears left to cry. Hours I had just laid there, crying. The kitchen being the farthest room from my daughter's, it was the one place I could let it all out while she slept soundly in her bed. To her little eyes, mom knew everything; mom was her hero; mom solved all the problems; mom healed all her booboos; mom would make everything unicorn and rainbows. But mom was not ok.

“Come on baby, we got to fix that hair for school,” I smiled. It was the morning routine and I had just finished my fresh cup of coffee. Today felt like it was going to be a good day.

“But mom..” My 6-year-old fought the brush. Every. Single. Day.

“There’s no point in arguing baby, you know it’s going to happen either way.”

**Ping** Good morning babe x

A Day In The Life

I sigh a breath of relief. He’s in a good mood. I hope this time it lasts. Then I feel it. My anxiety grows. I can feel my palms sweaty. I instantly stop what I am doing and reply.

“Ok baby, off to school we go.” I usher my little one into the car and make the 30-minute commute.

My first meeting is at 9 am with the owner of the company. I walk into her office and feel my phone start vibrating. I know it’s going to be bad. There’s nothing I can do to stop it. He knew I had this meeting. He has my location. He has verified and spoken with everyone in my life even my boss.

**Ping** What the fuck is wrong with you. Why aren’t you answering me. I bet you’re with some fucking dude.

**Ping** This is what I get for being nice to you you’re a whore

**Ping** fucking lying bitch.

**Ping** I bet you weren’t even asleep last night and was fuckin some dude

**Ping** Babe I’m sorry :( I got in my head ok x

I exit my meeting, get to my desk, and hide my sadness. Not one full hour can he be nice to me anymore.

A Journal Session

Well, why do you put up with this and not just walk Rae? Funny you should ask. He made me feel worthless. Told me every day for months on end that no one would love me. And maybe he’s right and will always be right. But I love me.

**Ping** What the fuck is wrong with you. Why aren’t you answering me. I bet you’re with some fucking dude.

He walked away for months to walk right back in. I thought he’d have changed. When he left, I did not threaten, I did not retaliate. I loved him. I loved him enough to let him go. I loved him more than myself and I think that was the problem.

When he came back, I just accepted him like a lost puppy. Over a year, of my loyalty, faithfulness, and he just shit on it. Too wrapped up in “what coulda” or “what shoulda”.

Finally, after the threats of defaming me online, him calling my boss, trying to get me fired (my livelihood for my child), I walked. It may seem silly to you, that I didn’t long ago. But I’m not perfect. When we met, we were both single and in open dating relationships with other people. Because I had been talking to someone else when I met him (he was too- and that’s what single people do)- he said all the pain he caused me over the year was earned, deserved even.

**Ping** This is what I get for being nice to you you’re a whore

I think he accused me so much and repeated horrible shit about me so much that he ended up believing it himself. Only to find out in the end, he was the one still in contact with his ex. He literally sent me pictures of them on zoom and told me how he was going to “fuck her” and some other girl (both remain nameless). I hope those girls are ok. I hope they weren’t used. One of those girls, he told me enough about that I pray she didn’t fall for him while he was using her to get back at me. I don't even know their real names.

**Ping** fucking lying bitch.

So my medium has become my journal. It’s been since Easter when I finally FINALLY had the courage to stick up for myself and know that I deserve better. Never cheated. Always was faithful and somehow I still am suffering- because of all the emotional damage he did.

I have been physically abused in the past, but at least those wounds heal. This. It feels like my soul has been scarred and hurts more.

But every day I’m making the best I can.

**Ping** I bet you weren’t even asleep last night and was fuckin some dude

I have made an amazing life for my little one. I work three jobs, and all are for myself. So I have the freedom to travel. I take little one camping, do girls trips. I’m smiling again seeing her success. I’ve worked day in and day out catching her up in school because of the corona shut down and online stuff. And for the first year, she is in mainstream classes. She worked so hard and is out of the special needs room. No medication. Just her. I am so proud.

**Ping** Babe I’m sorry :( I got in my head ok x

No one will ever read this, as I get no views. But somehow it feels good to get my train wreck of thoughts just out on paper. I isolated myself for so long, I do not know how to interact. He made me fear companionship. At this point, I don’t want it. My head hears a notification and I retreat into my shell, filled with anxiety and fear; I say out loud- Rae it’s just a work email. You’ve changed your number since blocking 15 of his on the previous phone. Rae you moved. Rae you changed jobs. It’s ok Rae.

I have my little family, me and my daughter, and that- that is a life worth living.