I know no one is going to read this- nor no one will care to read this. It doesn’t bother me. In fact- nothing bothers me anymore. Opinions, arguments, debates, politics, people- they all stand in this cesspool of toxicity while I am just… here.
I’m finally ok with that.
No Personal Social Media
I remember in the years 2015 to 2019 losing myself in the everlasting scrolling of Twitter, Facebook, and other social media platforms.
With no social media, I do not fall into the grips of the media creating hatred in my heart. I do not throw myself off a cliff every day watching the world’s demise. I simply wake up, drink a coffee, get my child ready for school and go to work. In the evening, I try new recipes. I tutor my child that was a year behind in school and in a special needs room- to now ahead in her regular, mainstream class.
So here I am. Today. Dying alone. And I’ve never been happier.
No Relationships
In 2020, I found “love”- well at least I was in love. It was a one-way street of love- me do everything while the other just berates, accuses, and inflicts pain. When we first started talking he wasn’t the only person I had been speaking to (neither was I for him). That’s a typical single dating scene, I suppose. He tortured me for months, I drove myself to the mental institute on multiple occasions. He’d leave for months and come back- pathetic me would just be there waiting, loyal while he explained none of his actions. On the opposite, would continue to accuse and drag me down. I remember on various days, he would be mad at me because he made me smile, then mad at me when he made me cry stating both made him “insecure.”
I learned. It only took a year of torture before I finally stood up for myself. Any time I spoke of my feelings, he’d flip the conversation about him. He’d be gone for months, while I waited. I finally had the courage to leave to let myself heal, and he was on video with his ex, sending me pictures of her and explaining the dirty sexual things he’d do with her and others while simultaneously calling my boss and accusing me of horrific things.
So here I am. Today. Dying alone. And I’ve never been happier.
Maybe that’s weird.
I Can & I Will
I can grocery shop without being accused of grocery shopping too long and “sucking off” a random Walmart employee.
I can go to the gym- for me. To run and clear my head without accusations.
I can sleep. In the past, I’d be on video asleep with him (long-distance) and he’d accuse me while he could see me asleep in my bed.
I can watch a movie.
I can write again.
I can work.
Hell- I can even wear make-up now even though I don’t, I have the option to if I wanted.
I can volunteer in the community.
I no longer have the black clouds dancing on my shoulders. No accusations. No arguments. No retweets. No trolls. No man.
I can live.
I live a boring life, but I love it.
And in these breaths of clear, pristine air, I have found happiness in dying alone to begin again.
